Monthly Archives: June 2012


It’s hard to interpret my own reactions to a failed pregnancy because I have nothing with which to compare the experience. I’m not sure what I’m grieving most. A life? My own hopes? My partner’s pain?

Obviously, the experience has been physically and emotionally painful for her. Feelings of inadequacy and failure and guilt and sorrow are surely normal and expected – even if they are irrational.

Statistically, there is nothing to be worried about.

Not yet. In her words, though, “it still sucks.”

My own shadowy pain is harder to pinpoint, equally irrational, but certainly less acute than hers.

How will the experience affect our fears and attitudes next time? It can’t help, right? It was comforting to hear the doctor say the cause was a typical chromosomal failure. It was nothing we did or didn’t do. The thing just couldn’t happen. Second-guessing is innevitable in the process but it doesn’t have to be sanctioned by your doctor, and ours has ridden enough rodeos to know.

This, on the other hand, is my first, and I’m thankful for all the help I can get.

Making Assumptions and Killing Rabbits

No rabbits were harmed in the making of this pregnancy. No, seriously, read about it.

It is a common misconception that the injected rabbit would die only if the woman was pregnant.

False. All the rabbits died. Today’s pregnancy tests are much more reliable, and they don’t involve murdering bunnies, so that’s a bonus. I assume the bunnies feel the same way.

You have to make a lot of assumptions when it comes to growing children. It’s the miracle of life; there is just more going on in the belly of a lady than any one person could ever comprehend. Unlike a well-played chess match, this process cannot be planned and controlled with any real certainty. There are more possible variables than time to dream them up. So there is only one thing a hopeful parent like me can do: give up.

There is no shortage of controversial and passionately-argued assumptions when it comes to growing babies. Do you trust certain traditional and cultural beliefs, or do you trust their opposing beliefs in Western medicine? In case you’re keeping score, the practitioners of Western medicine are the folks who’ve brought us both dramatically lower infant fatality rates and dramatically higher bunny fatality rates.

In any of these issues, a nervous parent will understandably do some research — but let’s be honest: you’re not going to understand. Even the doctors (and midwives, and shamans, etc.) argue about these issues among themselves. Eventually you have to put your faith into something and take some assumptions for granted.

So, here’s to nine months of researching, fretting, assuming, giving up, trusting, and ultimately being out of control of the most important thing I’ll probably ever do.